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  • J Hopkins

Music for Aches and Angst: Healing YouTube Instrumentals for Women, June 29, 2022, by Jude Hopkins

—Ethereal drone music to make you believe you’re wandering around an exoplanet that, unlike the one you’re on, requires no dusting, vacuuming or meal planning

—Angelic monks playing singing bowls to reduce the stress from having been ghosted by your literary agent, your Uber driver and your fiancé

—You’re floating in Shakespeare’s writing room: An immersive ambiance experience accompanied by lutes playing hits of the ‘80s because Elizabethan music sucks

—Three hours of binaural beats to help you forget what you overheard your in-laws saying about you

—You’re in a Gothic castle library filled with dark academia music to help you begin your stomach cleanse after a week of gorging on Fiddle-Faddle, Ding-Dongs, Ho-Hos, Funyuns and Skittles

—Soothing atmospheric music plays in an enchanted cedar-wood cabin that has to smell better than the 3-day-old garbage in your kitchen

—Chirping birds to evoke a damsel’s early morning spent in a forest to suppress the longing both of you feel for a prince that never appeared in the understory

—1962 lounge-music playlist where you get to mindlessly wonder how you’ll remove your bullet bra and girdle before you’re seduced by a guy who looks like an astronaut

—Calming acoustic guitar music to ward off a nervous breakdown from having dined at your boyfriend’s insistence at Organ Stop Pizza during which “Roll Out the Barrel” was repeatedly played on a giant Wurlitzer

—Sad piano music with cricket sounds to tamp down anxiety caused by a jammed zipper in the back of your dress with no one around but a meowing foster kitten

—Muffled Bossa Nova vibes playing in a trendy Manhattan jazz café where you would be seated next to the kitchen if it were real, and not virtual

—Eight hours of uninterrupted silence to help you recover from all the healing instrumentals and the occasional pop-up ad



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